1) We always wake up with boners! I have no idea why. Its not like I had a dream about shagging Melyssa Ford or anything…it juss happens. Its the worst when mom comes in the room and she’s tryna drag you outta bed cuz shes late for her doctors appt and she pulls the covers off! you better flip to your stomach real fast bwoy bwoy!
So if you’re sleeping beside me in the morning and Im suddenly rubbing your neck and kissing you…you know Im awake…in more ways than one. lmfao
2) Sometimes we just go to the ’skripper’s’ because we wanna. It aint cuz we pervs. We’d go to the regular bar, but there arent any games on tonight.
3) Sometimes we wanna act gangsta when someone’s eying you. Its a stupid boy thing, we just wanna feel like we’re Van Damme or someshit. We just gotta feel like men and scare everyone. lol. We just want you to feel protected and safe…so we act ignorant. Some of us will just ignore it and laugh it up…some of you will just hand your girl over cuz ur wimps…but I think on the most part…we’d wanna knock a dude out, we wanna get all dramatic and you pullin on our arm sayin ‘baby, dont! who cares about him baby.’ and I wanna say “you lucky! lucky my girls holding me back!”
4) Sometimes we like driving fast, not to show off, but we juss wanna feel like the bad boys in hollywood and pretend that the whole world is watching us as we drive by saying we’re cool. lol I know I know…die alone.
5) I deleted this one, it sucked. lol
6) If we just met and we aint dating yet, we’ll take you, or your hot friend. Whichever digs us first. lol. Work it out amongst yourselves ladies.
7) We aint all dogs, some of us are real nice guys. We just hate being taken advantage of sometimes.
8 ) If we dont look while we’re peeing, we might miss. Speaking about pissing…if we’re in a public washroom, and theres 5 empty urinals, and I piss in the one at the end, if you gotta piss, dont piss in the one beside me! Thats fuckin retarded! I will tump you in your chest for that shit! Even if we’re boys dont piss beside me! Its not an insecurity thing, that goes for everyone. Its just the guy rule. Rules also apply when you’re doing the ‘finishing up shake’…3 shakes only, after 3 shakes, you aint considered to be pissing anymore. Every guy knows these rules, it aint just me. But if theres only two, go ahead…lol
9) We do a mini harlem shake after we finish peeing. We just get cold all of a sudden.
10) We like backrubs, especially where you straddle us.
11) We like being pampered too, and having our ears and hair played with. We like you stroking our stomachs and neck, or you laying on our laps or shoulders… but dont harrass us during the game. lol
12) If we happen to watch a movie together and one of the homies die and we cry, dont stare at us. Just let us be…its already bad enough we’re crying but dont make us feel like wussies with the ‘awww, baby, its ok. Its just a movie!” Shit girl! I know its a movie! Just pass me a kleenex!
13) I aint cute, Im ferocious.
14) We dont always wanna initiate it! You know what Im talking about! lol
15) I wanna see you grab the bill outta my hand one time and pay for it, even though I insist. lol.
16) We dont like admitting we’re lost…being a shitty navigator makes us feel like losers….Im an excellent navigator tho. lmao…honest, ask anyone.
17) We try to deny it when our best guy friend asks us if we put it on you…we say no first…and say yes the second time and be like…”YO!!! Shit was crazy! You know what she did bwoy? Let me tell you!” Not all the time do we kiss and tell, but it may happen. You may have to tell your best friend. Im talking about real best friends here, not, Ive only known u for 2 months but ur the only person I chill with type shit.
18) Most times we prolly dont care if you chill with a guy friend, but when he’s a good looking dude (no homo) and he’s a relatively successful and educated dude…yea, we may worry a bit. We wont show it, but we dont like it. Make sure your guy friend is ugly, at least uglier than us! lmfao
19) We prefer you with no make up on…well I prefer mines with no make up on, but I seen some girls who looked like fuckin death without make up on…shit! Naturalness is beauty, make up is artificial. But yea yea, we understand the need for makeup sometimes because its fashionable and youre not comfortable…we get it. But sometimes understand that we already love you and accept you, we already know how beautiful you are. If the relationship works out well, ur looks become less important as we fall in love with who you really are. Im in love with the story, not the cover.
20) Yea, sometimes we gotta pick our ball sack cuz it gets stuck to our thighs. Especially on hot humid summer days! Shits no joke! lmao. I know guys are laughing hardcore! Whatever ladies! Like I never see you lifting your bra up to readjust your breasts cuz its stuck to the top of ur stomach or someshit. Dont act like we nasty! You and your sweaty boobs!
21) If you making breakfast, can I get some toast with butter, scrambled eggs, bacon and maybe some sausage?
22) We like it when you’re in our t-shirts or sweaters and walking around the house…especially when you’re in our dress shirts with no pants on! Hot Damn!!!!
23) Ummm…we love head. Yea, I said it! In the morning, in the car, in the dressing room, while washing the dishes, in the shower, before I sleep, while Im sleeping! Yea, I said it. To the fella’s, I got you! Like Katt Williams said, head will solve everything. Fuck if I was at war with another country, and they were pissing me off but wanted to give up all of a sudden cuz they were afraid I was gonna kill em, man, send me some bad ass chicks that are mean widit, shit, ill forgive you and accept your truce. Head could solve a lot of conflicts in the world. I aint lying. Fellas, ever had a bad day, got head and just forgot it all? Yea…I know right? I know. *High fives! lmfao.
Ok to be fair, Im sure some women are like, fuck that *$#%@#, if he aint going down on me, I aint giving him shit…well, you better talk to your man about that. Fellas, I did what I could, this is on you now. How bad do you want this head? …Well buss a move then!
To both of you’s, what you wont, the next one will. Take that how you wanna. lol
24) We aint always cheating just because we didnt invite you out. We just need our time to chill with the guys, do guy things. Be hooligans, swear, drink, smoke, fart, yell, play call of duty, talk shit and punch either without being called immature. But dont worry, there wont be girls over…we wont even watch porn together, nevermind a real broad…
That shits weird tho man…watching porn with your guys around? Thats just weird. I know you girls watch porn together, but nah man…thats against the guy code.
25) Dont go telling our mom shit when we screw up! We can only deal with one woman at a time, some of y’all are crazy as hell! I dont even know why you gotta tell my mom, shes gonna say the same thing you just said, just in another language! lol
26) Can you learn how to tie ties and shave faces?…well I guess I gotta get some facial hair first. We think its super hot that you can do that…well I do anyways. Fuck y’all!
27) Tell us we look good when we do…even though we tell you look amazing…tisk…so unfair.
28) Can we cook together tonight?
29) Can I listen to Tupac now and we’ll listen to Lloyd later?
30) No, I want to hear about your day. I dont just wanna bang…but can this convo wait til after we this tho? Im solid as a rock! lmfao!!!
31) So whats up? (starts to fall asleep)
32) Compliment us sometimes, we wanna feel special too. Shit, all we do is tell you want you wanna hear and do what you want us to do! What about us? What about our feelings? Are we not real? Are we just here for you? Are you the only one that exists in this relationship? We gave up everything for you, now we’re fat and…umm…stuff! lmao. I love how I exagerrate everything. Fuck, I wish I knew me.
33) If you just complimented us on what we’re wearing, and we dont compliment you on what you’re wearing, you should probably go back upstairs and get changed. True story, I didnt go to a friends bday one time cuz I hated what my girlfriend was wearing. Call it mean…but you shoulda seen what she was wearing. I have no idea where she would even think to wear those articles and colors together. *will cringes
34) We dont want to be on the phone with you all day. Hurts our ears and gives us neck cramps.
35) Can you call us sometimes. Why is this so one wayed?
36) Can you wash our hair in the shower? Ill wash yours after, I promise…you better hope theres still hot water when its your turn. lmfao
37) You dont have to ask, but if you cook, I will help cut the veggies and Ill wash the dishes…
38) Now you owe me a favor! lmao
39) We like you dressing sexy, hot and scandalous sometimes…but only if we’re going out. You can wear your sweats and your baseball cap when you’re with the dudes. lmao
40) Wait a second, its kinda hot when girls can look hot in a fitted and sweats on…fuck…ummm…wear a giant trench coat and a red scarf on your head when you’re with the boys.
PS. If you still have ass and your body can still look righteous when you’re in a baggy hoody and sweatpants, I will marry you!
41) If the next man whistles at you while we’re out, do not respond, let me say ‘wassup?’
42) As much as we love you, we love mama first, so dont be acting all rude up in my house and rolling your eyes and shit, cuz Ill call you a cab. lol
43) Sometimes we wanna sit around by the tv in our boxers and marina all day watching family guy with our hands in our pants…the warmest place in the body…and yea I just bathed, the jewels is clean.
44) We dont care about your stupid soap operas, the hills or sex in the city. Stop crying and saying “OMG” lmao. Im kidding, you dont even know how much time Ive spent with girlfriends watching those shows. lol SMH. lol
45) You’ve gained a bit of weight, we dont know how to tell you. Its not that you being fat that Im worried about, its how people see me…thats if they can, if you aint blocking me! lmfao. Nah, Im playing. But more or less, its about your health and your condition and mood that is affected by your weight gain. We dont wanna see you eating a tub of ice cream and then you asking…baby am i fat? you still love me right? None of my clothes fit! I feel ugly…of course you know what Im saying inside my head, “Shit, stop eating the ice cream then and go for a jog…for 3 days.” I mean Ill still tell you you’re beautiful by default but shit, change begins with you…! But on the real too, I see all relationships as long term, so I want you to be healthy to ride this out with me. Gaining weight to me doesnt mean ur getting ugly to me, but it becomes a worry to me for the sake of your physical and mental health. I want you to love yourself and feel beautiful. I can tell you I love you and you’re beautiful all I want, but you aint never gonna believe me if you dont believe it yourself.
46) I know this might be the case all the time for you women, so I apologize in advance…but sometimes we aint got time for you to come. We need to juss release our stuff and get a move on in our day. Quickies exist because we got shit to do. lol. Like Katt Williams said, we aint always got time to wait for the oven to heat up, sometimes we just want the microwave! Sorry, you should focus harder and be more efficient at cumming then! Shit, we sure as hell waste no time.
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